Your fallen boy

Seeing you in the library - 

Asking you out, not expecting you to say yes - 

The joyful surprise of those moments still with me -

Both of us laughing - 

Yes you said yes - 

I remember the dark weight of your hair -

How we held each other close -

You could have carried me in your arms -

Lifted me up as though I were made of air - 

On our first date, I took you to Winchester -

I wore my chalk stripe suit -

You wore a green dress and your silky skin - 

It was summer -

We walked down the long nave of the cathedral -

I showed you Jane Austen's tomb -

We drank Fleurie in a pub with latticed windows -

Driving back,  we stopped the car on the shore road -

There was a pale moon -

You unfastened your dress -

You held my head, sighing, stroking my hair -

You once sent me a postcard you'd bought in The Tate -

The Lament of Icarus -

Three nymphs lamenting over the beautiful dead boy -

I thought of you you wrote -

I would visit you in Brighton -

Come up and see me and make me smile playing on every jukebox -

Losing myself in your sighs -

Your fallen boy, carrying sorrow in his wings -

December 2025

Windfalls haiku

Windfalls on the grass - 

A memory of summer -

Sunlight on my tongue -

Glimpsed in a mirror

Names of places on an old map -

Glimpsing my younger self in a mirror - 

Gargrave, Coniston Cold -

Driving to Malham with Richard -

Shamefully, I wrote nothing -

Piecing this together from shards of memory -

The faded names - 

The half dreams - 

*

Crammed into Richard's Japanese car - 

Like innocent cosmonauts - 

Myself driving, always in the fast lane, crazy -

Not thinking for one moment about it -

*

The narrow road over the moor - 

The tall thistles in the field -

Rain falling on the roof -

Curling smoke from slim cigarettes -

The American girl from Tallahassee -

Meeting her after a shameful night -

She called me pilgrim -

Invited me after I retold a beautiful story -

Sitting cross legged on the warm grass -

A circle of boys and one girl - 

*

Now, near the high cliffs -

The lonely farms, the dark tarn 

Scrambling upwards - 

A cold wind under a northern sky - 

Ancient faces in the rocks -

Clouds - 

Far below, our cold beds -

Gareth's fiver crumpled up with a few coins -

*

Walking under the moon to The Buck Inn -

Theakstons with flint eyed farmers -

One night, fortunes told in a low ceilinged parlour -

A smoky fire, candlelight -

Geoff, refusing to open his palm -

Never saying why -

*

I thought they were young gods -

Far above me -

Nick, talking about taking rally corners in his Mini -

Gareth, with his louche drawl, his kerchief -

They knew the ways of girls -

They were cool -

Yet they were boys -

Just like me, pieces of a story -

Now gone entirely - 

Or glimpsed, sometimes, by chance, in a mirror -

Alexandra swimming in the midnight pool

I remember the road - 

The driveways to the houses with names -

Being so young and tipsy with words -

The music playing over the water -

The slender beauty of one of the girls -

Swimming with her in the midnight pool -

The garden filled with summer night -

The song always evoking the moment -

Her voice, the moonlight on her skin - 

November 2025 

Driving without lights

We would listen to Evensong in the Cathedral -

The boys' voices were like sweet tongued birds flying to heaven -

Later, we would walk across the Close - 

The two of us, with our dreams, our Balkan Sobranie cigarettes -

Our love of The Doors -

Jim Morrison singing this is the end -

Talking about Shelley - 

Watching the moon caught in the trees - 

Thinking these days were forever - 

Jumping into the car filled with smoke - 

Driving without lights -

October 2025

Haunted by his stare

I thought of Klaus Kinski as I drank the bitter coffee - 

Seeing him in Aguirre, Wrath of God -

Being haunted by his stare -.

Those beautiful terrifying eyes - 

October 2025

The white trees

I came to the white trees -

I knew I should have come before - 

I was close here to my lost darlings - 

I held their hands and loved them -

Purbeck Way

October 2025

Byzantium

Walking in the Autumn stillness, I remembered Byzantium -

That was the name I gave the guest house -

I'd climbed its narrow twisting stairs -

From my room I could see the sea turn red as twilight came - 

Above me was the roof of the dream filled house -

In my diary I wrote Julia says you find love where it finds you, whatever shape it has -

We'd walked across seared fields and seen churches with round towers - 

There were black cliffs, the shards of a chapel - 

The tide covering the sands - 

Later, a wrought iron lamp post glimmering in the dark -

Hunstanton 

June 2025

Windfalls

I searched for windfalls -

I held each one, for a moment, in my hand -

Feeling its coolness, its skin against my skin -

Delving in the grass -

October sunlight on apples still high on the tree -

Like the years left me - 

Precious before they fall -

I remembered orchards -

Walking under fragrant branches -

A river under a ripening moon -

Your hands bringing joy -

Your savage kisses -

You saying you are my willow wand -

Being your helpless slender boy -

The Old School House 

East Stoke 

October 2025

My dark wood

I walked through my dark wood in autumn -

I followed curving paths through oak and pine -

Breathed air fragrant with soft rain and memory -

I saw how my days had led me here -

Walking through a mist that still lingered -

Looking down at a gentle sea - 

Durlston 

October 2025

Never letting go

When I was leaving, you came up to me -

You suddenly held me, your heart on mine -

Your arms around me -

I felt the warmth and shape of you -

I wanted to stay pressed close to you -

Not letting go -

Here in your house, with your husband upstairs -

Not in your kitchen for this long wonderful moment -

I remembered how you once kissed me on the cheek -

Said love you -

We were together here too - 

In your house with the paintings on the walls -

The golden saxophone -

The view from the window of the bay -

The high hill and the sky -

I didn't, as now, think of anything but you -

All else was gone -

Or when I gave you a lift to the quiet town -

You were wearing jeans, cut off at the thigh -

I kept looking at your brown legs -

Your hair, your summer skin -

There was nothing  but those moments driving -

You live in my secret life -

I wonder if I live in your secret life -

If, like me, you think of never letting go -

October 2025

A rediscovered land

I had dreamed of gentle libraries -

I woke to a London sky -

A Bloomsbury English with Sophie and Wallace -

We walked amongst creatives towards Russell Square -

Glossy ubers passed us -

A German auteur was showing at The Curzon -

I'd forgotten the taste of this air -

How it filled me with excitement and longing -

When I walked with Sophie and Wallace, I walked in a rediscovered land -

I unfolded a map I thought I had lost -

Bloomsbury 

August 2025

The three of us becoming memory

Wallace read the Metro wearing his Sakka shirt -

Sophie sat nearby - 

A dry wind swept over the platform -

The air smelled of dust and electricity -

I knew this station -

The tiles of its curving walls -

The fearful descent of the lift -

We waited for the train -

The three of us, becoming memory - 

Warren Street 

August 2025

At Tropea

Sophie and I ate almond croissants in Caffè Tropea -

Hearing the Italian waiters, I remembered Rome -

Our breakfasts by the Tiber - 

The first espresso - 

Warm morning light fell through the leaves of the plane trees -

Wallace was playing football at Cally Road -

Sophie smiled -

I counted all the stories I had to tell -

So many -

I lost them in her smile -

Tropea 

Russell Square

August 2025

At the London Generator

A cool dude checked me in -

There were jazzy murals, an Italian girl behind the bar -

Some muted techno - 

A pool table was bathed in dim light -

A flat screen showed young gods scoring impeccable goals -

Young Americans sipped flat whites -

I had walked here from Warren Street -

Walking half in memory -

Remembering the Northern Line, the fallen leaves on Highgate pavements -

I read a gritty page from a foxed Rebus - 

Waited for my darlings - 

When I saw them, I was mute once more with love -

The London Generator 

August 2025

Soho twilight

Tipsy girls sashshayed down Greek Street -

Outside The Three Greyhounds, a cycle rickshaw driver waited for fares -

A burnished BMW slid past us -

Chinese girls nibbled Portuguese custard tarts -

Above a narrow door, neon letters said Girls Girls Girls -

We chose gelatos from a sumptuous array of flavours -

Sat in Old Compton Street - 

Myself, with my darlings, in Soho twilight - 

Soho

August 2025

Walking with my younger self

We walked across Russell Square -

Behind us, the dark reef of the hotel -

Plane trees shaded the path -

The fountains were stilled -

This was the heart of my city of memory and dream -

I'd stretched out here on the summer grass -

I'd held a book open in my hand -

Looked up, between shining leaves, at a flawless sky -

Now I walked with my daughter and grandson past serene facades -

I knew each door, each gracious window -

Following us, invisible and slender, my younger self -

Close to me, almost touching, murmuring in my ear, still beautiful - 

Russell Square 

London 

August 2025

Waking to love

Anne was first in the river -

I watched her swim, her body dear to me, barely stirring the water -

Poplar trees touched the summer sky -

I remembered seeing her swimming from a windswept beach -

Standing afterwards on the sand -

Throwing back her hair -

Behind us were orchards, churches in quiet villages, a sunlit room -

The thought that every morning we would wake to love -

Salisbury 

August 2025

Playing bar football with Wallace

Spinning the players - 

Both of us laughing -

Wallace leaping as he spins - 

The tiny white ball whirling into my goal -

Wallace looking up from the tangled players -

Love flying into my heart with his smile -

Purbeck Sports Centre 

Wareham 

August 2025

My eyes as blue as his eyes

Jake says he wants to touch the sky -

Higher and higher on the swing -

 When I push him, years fall from me -

I see the world made new -

My eyes are as blue as his eyes -

My bones as green - 

Victoria Park 

Salisbury 

August 2025

Words fall upon me

Anne follows Jake into the river -

She tucks up her dress, baring her legs -

I know her body, its shape and skin -

I have a memory of her kiss -

The sky is reflected in the water - 

Words fall upon me from the air -

Salisbury 

July 2025

The two coins forever falling

We stood before the fountain - 

Soft rain fell - 

I glimpsed noble bearded heads, heroic torsos -

A winged horse reared upwards -

Hooves pawed the air -

Water gushed over marble -

Wallace darted between the willowy Chinese girls -

He flung his coins into the basin of the fountain -

Deft, swift, sure -

He turned to face me, eyes shining -

Standing next to Sophie -

Both of them wet from the rain -

This moment in my heart -

My two darlings returning to the city -

The two coins forever falling, having known his hand - 

Rome

April 2025

At every turning

I counted the columns of the Temple -

Each one was pitted by time -

Like tall trees made of stone -

Marked by long winters -

At every turning in the city -

I walked with my two darlings amongst invisible people -

Past churches, palaces, broken colonnades -

Feeling the rain on our faces -

Walking towards the fountain -

When we, too, would become memory - 

Rome 

Temple of Hadrian

April 2025

At the Ristorante L' Arcano

We left the murmuring air of the Pantheon -

High above us, the dome had let in the sky -

In the Via dei Pastini I still heard the whispers of the city's gods -

We walked towards the Piazza di Pietra -

Wallace had two coins in his hand -

We sat for a while outside a sleek ristorante -

We felt the first drops of a soft rain -

Sophie wore yellow -

She charmed the waiter with her smile -

She and Wallace were the stars in my dark heavens -

My tongue was mute with love -

Rome 

April 2025

Taken from a dream

It was still light when we landed -

The wings of the jet were pale wands -

The first stars glimmered above the terminal -

In the long snaky queues to the passport control I heard a boy say va bene -

We waited for the courtly ufficiale -

Sophie smiled her beautiful forgiving smile -

In the taxi, I sat behind the driver -

I closed my eyes, remembering clouds - 

It grew dark when we were on the autostrada -

We drove towards the city - 

Over the carriageway there were illuminated signs -

Ostia, Fuimicino, Roma -

Each wonderful name taken from a dream -

Approaching Rome

April 2025

Wallace would always take my Queen

Wallace and I played chess in the white jet -

Whilst Wallace took my Queen we were flying over mountains -

Later we played in the house with arched windows - 

His dangerous Knight leapt over my stolid pawns - 

Each morning we played this noble game -

I would sip the espresso Wallace made for me - 

Sophie would butter a ciriola -

We would set out the pieces -

Wallace would always take my Queen - 

Travestere 

Rome 

April 2025

Every night we ate pasta

Every night we ate pasta in a louche osteria - 

Sophie and I would drink aperol spritzers -

The louche darkness would fill the mazy alleys -

Beautiful ragged girls would wear skirts made of cobwebs -

Their lean tattooed boys would lounge on church steps -

Wallace would talk football with the ragazzo of a waiter -

Inside the osteria I'd see the doomed lobsters in their tank -

Jazzmen would play in the piazza -

Sophie and Wallace would play cards -

A pale moon would glimmer in the Trastevere sky -

Trastevere 

Rome

April 2025

Even then I'd walked with angels

We walked between the pillars of Bernini's colonnade -

Great lamps, unlit, hung down above our heads -

The service was over -

Hundreds of chairs were still set out before the basilica -

A few nuns lingered in the piazza -

Clouds filled the sky -

Water gushed into a splendid fountain -

We saw a sculpture in sad bronze -

Migrants, refugees, those who ached with memory -

We saw their faces -

We felt the weight of their hearts -

The sculpture was called Angels Unawares -

I wondered how many angels had brushed against us since we woke -

How many were amongst those sad pilgrims -

Those who had lost all their darlings -

I remembered being in Paris with Sophie -

The words above a doorway in Shakespeare and Company -

The angels in Wings of Desire -

Their sorrow and love -

Cassiel leaning forward to hear some desperate thoughts -

The last time I'd been here, there'd been a cloudburst -

Boys had rushed our, shouting brellas, brellas -

Even then I'd walked with angels -

The air not filled with rain but love -

St Peter's

Rome 

April 

Walking from the Piazza Trilussa to the Via della Conciliazione

We walked along the Tiber, from the Piazza Trilussa to the Via della Conciliazione -

It was Palm Sunday, still early -

The mazy alleys of Trastevere had been empty -

Windows were still shuttered, osterias yet to open - 

Wallace had dribbled his Roma Lazio football down the Vicolo dei Panieri -

We'd had coffees and pancakes in the Bar Meccanismo -

Plane trees lined the banks of the river -

Noble bridges spanned the slow moving current -

An opulent Lancia swept past us -

There were villas, silent gardens behind railings -

Dark reefs of apartments -

A pasticceria just opening its doors -

Two winged victories guarded the Ponte Vittorio Emanuele II -

Pilgrims were gathering near the Castel Sant'Angelo -

In the Via della Conciliazione, we were given cuttings from an olive tree -

I remembered being thirteen -

Learning my catechism -

The confirmation lessons in the church hall - 

 Who made me - God made me -

The joyous poignant mystery of this day - 

Rome

April 2025

In the Colosseum

We entered the Colosseum through the Gladiators Gate -

Our guide was called Daniel -

We kept close to him, threading our way through the murmuring crowd - 

Mighty columns supported a cruel circle of stone - 

We saw the labyrinth which had been hidden beneath the sand - 

Dark dens had voided wild beasts -

Sharp iron had pierced flesh and severed bone -

Those men, women, children killed here were beyond all counting - 

Despite the crowd, the laughter and the smartphones, I could feel their anguish - 

Even now, with so many names forgotten, they were still here, invisible, mute, amongst us - 

We followed Daniel to the high galleries -

I heard the echoes of hungry voices -

Above us the sky was a pale ancient blue -

 

The Colosseum, Rome

April 2025